:D

both. All three of us need help, and I just don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I sit there and everything seems so meaningless and I all of a sudden can’t do anything. Sometimes I can’t focus. Sometimes I can’t sit still. Sometimes I sit there and get dizzy. Sometimes I sit there and my hands shake. Sometimes I sit there and I feel like a rock got stuck in my lungs and when I breathe it hurts, so I breathe shallow til it goes away. Sometimes my chest hurts and I feel like I have to hold myself together. Sometimes my head hurts and it won’t go away. Sometimes I feel not so good for a long long time. :/ Sometimes I’m not hungry, and then all of a sudden it hits me and I’m doubled over in pain from not eating. Sometimes I just don’t know how to fix any of this. Oh wait, that last one is an all the time thing. :/

Sometimes I wish I could help you more. Sometimes I wish I could help you less and not feel guilty. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think of you. Sometimes I think of how we’ve been friends for the longest, and I wouldn’t want to abandon you. Sometimes I want to tell your parents. Sometimes I want to tell you. Sometimes I think either of those would be a dick thing to do. Sometimes I wish you’d at least try to control your drinking. Sometimes I wish you’d look at yourself. Sometimes I wish you’d try to moderate your mood swings. Sometimes I think that this is all too much for someone my age.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with you. Sometimes I want to help you. Sometimes I wish you would help yourself. Sometimes I hate your mother for what she does to you. Sometimes I hate everything but you. Sometimes I hate your anger. Sometimes I hate your stupid panic attacks. Sometimes you remind me of me last year.

Overall, we still all need help. And I don’t know how to help us. My commitment to Alice remains, and always will, and vice versa. How much I like Caleb shares the absolute shit out of me. It makes me want to cry to know that I don’t know how I’d function as an individual now. But at the same time I want to let myself fall into it, because it’s not like I’ve got any other great ideas.

Help us.