:D

Tumblr always makes me fucking cry.

I hate this ghetto fucking school. What the fuck.

So done with everything.

Whether or not i love you depends on your perception of love.

Its not something i believe in, this one person for your whole life for whom you will care for more than anything else and be with forever. Why should i believe in something i have never seen?

You say love is wanting to be with someone most of the time, being willing to work through hard times because the good things are worth it, and caring about someone so much its almost unbelievable.

I say love is meaningless because we fall in and out of love far too often to think in terms of forever, so why should i care about anything.

But baby, if you would like me to believe in love like you do, then show me that love. im waiting.

Ive worked so hard to create this image that i am not a girly girl, that i am a rough and tumble girl who likes to play in the mud and i can keep up with the boys.

All I want is to be his princess now and i dont know how and even he knows its not me when i wear jewelry or makeup or a dress.

Why did i do this to myself? How do i undo it?

he texted me, hooking me in with one simple line. who, in their right mind would not? however, this strange question was followed by a more serious one. “what school are you going to?” i have gotten this question far too often. i also have no idea.

this innocent enough question, however, sent my mind reeling, as i have been pondering this question for about… three months and i still have no idea. the decision really has two main factors. lets discuss.

2. what school i go to.

1. which parent i live with.

each factor has two choices, each with their very own pros and cons. (yes i out two first and one second. get over it. if youre me you just looked back to see if i really did that.)

1.

a. mom.

shes kind of pretty crazy. i have to take care of my little brother here. i also do my own laundry, though i have no chores or anything besides being basically thomas”s mom. my stepdad drives me kind of nuts, and hes told me to get out of his house twice in the past three months. my mom and i got in some pretty severe physical fights in the year that ive lived here, for which i now go to regular therapy about. i do, however, get to keep my pet rabbit, whom i adore because she nibbled her way into my heart for the past almost year. mom said i could potentially get a laptop as a very late birthday present if i live with her. i will also mention that i get a lot more freedom. i am allowed to have friends over until nine on school nights. i am allowed out until midnight on weekends and during the summer. boyfriend comes over like every night, and sleeps over all the time and my mom doesnt mind as long as were either in seperate rooms or on the living room floor together. if i lived with mom and went to phs, i could probably come to her house some nights at five pm and go back to dads at 5 am to get ready to go to school. if i went to fdr and lived with mom, i could visit dad if he came to pick me up, we could discuss maybe once a week, and boyfriend did volunteer his driving services.

b. dad

hes pretty damn sane. weve never gotten into a physical altercation, and very few verbal fights, not any i can name in the past two years. we do frequently differ in opinion, however, dont get me wrong. he has a pretty sweet fifty five gallon fish tank im basically allowed to do whatever i want with. i was told last year i could have a bearded dragon… but. i got told no bunni. i love bunni. also, dad is strict to say the least. im not allowed alone in the car with boyfriend. boyfriend has basically “visiting hours” which means i really dont get to see him that often, and ill be able to even less once im in my junior year of high school and hes in his second year of college as well as working. i can walk anywhere in pk instead of having to grab a ride. if i lived with dad and went to phs, i could have mom pick me up from dads from five to five. if i lived with mom i could work out maybe visiting one day a week to see him, since i know he doesnt want to drive me every day.

2.

a. phs.

well, i went there my freshman year. i know a lot of people, my best girlfriend rachel goes there along with a lot of people i talk to, especially in the honors program. i know some boys who want me to do crew with them as their coxwain, and they are not going to be a joke this year. a program i was mildly involved in at phs says they would love for me to regularly attend their meetings, the program being gsa. i can walk like anywhere there, which is definitely nice.i missed a lot on my year away though.

b.fdr

i went there this past year and spent a long time making friends, of which i now have many. however, not many are in the honors program, which helps me focus, though i find it less enjoyable. there are a lot of people there i dont know, which means theres a lot more potential for friends.

if i chose mom, i chose fdr, and vice versa. if i chose dad i chose phs, and vice versa.

this is one of the hardest choices of my life. its the decision on where i spend two years of my life.

I went from Devil Wears Prada to I’m on a Boat…

Why don’t tickets for boatrides for three fall out of MY cereal?

I just realized that so much brilliant poetry has probably gone unnoticed. This makes me unspeakably sad.

are my one weakness. But I’m not going to tell him that. ;)

I cut myself bangs today so they’d hide my face. My mom made me feel selfconcious because with these bangs, you can’t see my face.

both. All three of us need help, and I just don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I sit there and everything seems so meaningless and I all of a sudden can’t do anything. Sometimes I can’t focus. Sometimes I can’t sit still. Sometimes I sit there and get dizzy. Sometimes I sit there and my hands shake. Sometimes I sit there and I feel like a rock got stuck in my lungs and when I breathe it hurts, so I breathe shallow til it goes away. Sometimes my chest hurts and I feel like I have to hold myself together. Sometimes my head hurts and it won’t go away. Sometimes I feel not so good for a long long time. :/ Sometimes I’m not hungry, and then all of a sudden it hits me and I’m doubled over in pain from not eating. Sometimes I just don’t know how to fix any of this. Oh wait, that last one is an all the time thing. :/

Sometimes I wish I could help you more. Sometimes I wish I could help you less and not feel guilty. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think of you. Sometimes I think of how we’ve been friends for the longest, and I wouldn’t want to abandon you. Sometimes I want to tell your parents. Sometimes I want to tell you. Sometimes I think either of those would be a dick thing to do. Sometimes I wish you’d at least try to control your drinking. Sometimes I wish you’d look at yourself. Sometimes I wish you’d try to moderate your mood swings. Sometimes I think that this is all too much for someone my age.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with you. Sometimes I want to help you. Sometimes I wish you would help yourself. Sometimes I hate your mother for what she does to you. Sometimes I hate everything but you. Sometimes I hate your anger. Sometimes I hate your stupid panic attacks. Sometimes you remind me of me last year.

Overall, we still all need help. And I don’t know how to help us. My commitment to Alice remains, and always will, and vice versa. How much I like Caleb shares the absolute shit out of me. It makes me want to cry to know that I don’t know how I’d function as an individual now. But at the same time I want to let myself fall into it, because it’s not like I’ve got any other great ideas.

Help us.

I wish I could go back to those moments. I never appreciated them then but I miss them so much now. Even the hard moments seem so beautiful